Yesterday I experienced one of the scariest days to date. So many things were going through my mind. Will I see my little girl grow up? If I had to, how would I tell her that her mommy won’t be around forever? What is chemo like? What would I look like if my hair fell out? Crazy things go through your mind when your future seems unsure. Especially when you are lying there staring blankly at the ceiling for half an hour waiting for your results.
A couple of weeks ago I discovered a lump in my one breast. That scared the shit out of me. So I scheduled a mammogram. In the mean time I also went for a hayfever shot at the clinic and asked the nurse to ‘cop a feel’. She found more lumps. Freak out much?
The mammogram and the sonar were very scary. Not the procedures, but the uncertainty of what’s to come. The mammogram itself didn’t hurt. It wasn’t the most comfortable of experiences, but it’s not nearly as bad as it’s made out to be.
I’m fine. I just have lumpy breasts.
I’m not sure if that has completely sunk in yet. Weird. But it’s probably because the fear consumed my every thought over the last couple of weeks. During this time I wasn’t really that worried about myself. I was worried about Cara. I am very lucky to know that she has a wonderful dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who would be there for her if anything ever had to happen to me. But she’s mine. I still feel as though I am the one who has to keep her safe and loved and secure.
I’m rambling a bit here. This post has two aims.
Firstly I want to remind myself, and you, that life is short. In a month’s time I will be 36. I don’t feel it, but I don’t know if I will live to see 80. So I have to make very minute count. Life is precious and I have to remind myself of that every day.
Secondly, girls, fondle those boobies. Do regular self examinations and if you are a bit older, go for a mammogram. Look after yourself. I plan on doing a better job at that.