I’m not really sure how to start this post… I must just warn you that it will contain a lot of swearing. It’s also not going to be a weight loss journey post. No before and afters. It’s also not a post to force myself to diet and use it to hold myself accountable. I’ve done this before on my blog. Many times. If you’ve followed any of my weight loss posts over the years you will know that I am pretty damn good at losing weight. If I really put my mind to it, I can lose 15+ kgs in 3 months. I’ve been part of amazing weight loss challenges in the past. Challenges and programs that really work. What I don’t show you is how quickly and dramatically I can gain weight.

I eat my feelings

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I love food. I love to eat. Looking back I’ve realised that when I’m at my lowest, my weight is at its highest. It’s always been that way. I went through a wonderful phase when I was thin in my twenties. I thought I was happy because I was thin.  Yes, it helped. The way I see myself has a lot to do with my weight and it affects my confidence.

Before I go on… I use the word fat in this post and I know that many get offended by this word. I do too. I can call myself fat, no one else can. I’m way too sensitive for that. But I am not talking about being overweight or a little chubby. I’m talking about being classified as obese and how it’s affecting my health. If I don’t start owning it, I will never be able to fix it. I read this a couple of days ago and I thought it was quite funny …

You’re fat. Don’t sugar coat it… you’ll eat that too.

Other people’s size or weight isn’t an issue for me. Every one is different. If you are happy whether you are petite, plus size, slender or muscular, you are already way ahead of the game than I am. I just want to be happy with who I am and what I look like. And I want to be healthy.

Happy, confident people inspire me. Like this one… @kandidly.kerry. She is all about body positivity and self love. Damn, I love this girl! Click on the image below (that I totally stole from her Instagram – with her permission) and go follow her. When I’m thin, I’m happy and when I’m fat, I’m depressed and sad. Or at least that’s what I thought. It’s actually the other way around. What a fucked up and vicious circle. When I go through stressful times I eat. I eat to forget. It doesn’t work, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t get sad and depressed because I’m fat, I get fat because I am sad and depressed.

The past couple of years have been kak. Too kak to mention. But the holidays were just grand I tell you! At different stages I thought I was going to lose 3 close family members. I know hospital staff by name. Every time the phone rang or I had to drive to the hospital behind an ambulance, it felt like my whole world was falling apart. And what did I do? I ate. I ate my feelings. Every single one of them until I couldn’t feel them anymore. Food is a wonderful distraction for me. I didn’t have a meal or a treat; I forced food down my throat till it hurt. Sometimes I think it was in an effort to force the emotions back inside because I was afraid that if I let it out, everything would come out all at once and I would not survive. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.

I think I am the biggest I have ever been. And it happened so quickly. What have I done?! I haven’t just increased my weight, I’ve increased my problems. I feel unworthy. I feel like a failure. And I am fucking with my health. In a big, bad way.

Emotional eating does not heal emotional issues.

I know this. I need to change. I need to change the way I deal with my stress and anxiety. And it’s all up to me. I’m going to try. I’m going to try hard.

xoxo