I’m not really sure how to start this post… I must just warn you that it will contain a lot of swearing. It’s also not going to be a weight loss journey post. No before and afters. It’s also not a post to force myself to diet and use it to hold myself accountable. I’ve done this before on my blog. Many times. If you’ve followed any of my weight loss posts over the years you will know that I am pretty damn good at losing weight. If I really put my mind to it, I can lose 15+ kgs in 3 months. I’ve been part of amazing weight loss challenges in the past. Challenges and programs that really work. What I don’t show you is how quickly and dramatically I can gain weight.
I eat my feelings
I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I love food. I love to eat. Looking back I’ve realised that when I’m at my lowest, my weight is at its highest. It’s always been that way. I went through a wonderful phase when I was thin in my twenties. I thought I was happy because I was thin. Yes, it helped. The way I see myself has a lot to do with my weight and it affects my confidence.
Before I go on… I use the word fat in this post and I know that many get offended by this word. I do too. I can call myself fat, no one else can. I’m way too sensitive for that. But I am not talking about being overweight or a little chubby. I’m talking about being classified as obese and how it’s affecting my health. If I don’t start owning it, I will never be able to fix it. I read this a couple of days ago and I thought it was quite funny …
You’re fat. Don’t sugar coat it… you’ll eat that too.
Other people’s size or weight isn’t an issue for me. Every one is different. If you are happy whether you are petite, plus size, slender or muscular, you are already way ahead of the game than I am. I just want to be happy with who I am and what I look like. And I want to be healthy.
Happy, confident people inspire me. Like this one… @kandidly.kerry. She is all about body positivity and self love. Damn, I love this girl! Click on the image below (that I totally stole from her Instagram – with her permission) and go follow her. 
When I’m thin, I’m happy and when I’m fat, I’m depressed and sad. Or at least that’s what I thought. It’s actually the other way around. What a fucked up and vicious circle. When I go through stressful times I eat. I eat to forget. It doesn’t work, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t get sad and depressed because I’m fat, I get fat because I am sad and depressed.
The past couple of years have been kak. Too kak to mention. But the holidays were just grand I tell you! At different stages I thought I was going to lose 3 close family members. I know hospital staff by name. Every time the phone rang or I had to drive to the hospital behind an ambulance, it felt like my whole world was falling apart. And what did I do? I ate. I ate my feelings. Every single one of them until I couldn’t feel them anymore. Food is a wonderful distraction for me. I didn’t have a meal or a treat; I forced food down my throat till it hurt. Sometimes I think it was in an effort to force the emotions back inside because I was afraid that if I let it out, everything would come out all at once and I would not survive. I don’t even know if that makes any sense.
I think I am the biggest I have ever been. And it happened so quickly. What have I done?! I haven’t just increased my weight, I’ve increased my problems. I feel unworthy. I feel like a failure. And I am fucking with my health. In a big, bad way.
Emotional eating does not heal emotional issues.
I know this. I need to change. I need to change the way I deal with my stress and anxiety. And it’s all up to me. I’m going to try. I’m going to try hard.
xoxo
Thanks for being so open. They say the first step is acknowledgement of a problem even if you don’t know the next steps. I would like to change my eating patterns this year and have less bad snacks since my son now has to have an op for cavaties! Maybe just start with water instead of juice… I also have a sweet tooth and tend to eat emotions at times too…
Thank so much Heather! Good luck on your journey! xx
Charlene, I resonated with this post so much. I too eat my feelings. And am at the biggest I’ve ever been. And you’re so right. Emotional eating does not heal emotional issues. Food, in particular, sugary foods are like drugs to me. If I’m feeling, it temporarily gets me high, only to crash and then have to face reality. It’s tough but I believe we both can overcome it.
I’ve recently started following Kerry as well and she is so inspiring, and so friendly.
I love Kerry! And you’re right… it is a drug! The most difficulty one to beat as you still need food to survive!
It’s so so hard. I know you know I know! Seeing a psychologist for about 6 months of intense weekly therapy in 2016 honestly changed everything for me!!! She helped me get to the bottom of the WHY and work through those triggers, finding better ways to manage the feelings that always caused me to want to eat. I can honestly say that despite going through some of the toughest times since then, I haven’t once binge eaten to deal with it. And I haven’t dieted. And I haven’t suffered. And I’m nowhere near my smallest, and I’m also not my biggest. And I’m in a content place with my body (generally speaking – pregnancy excluded lol.) If you can afford it and make the time for it, I really do think it would be worth looking into – I can’t speak highly enough of how how she changed my life. Good luck sweety, however your journey goes and wherever you end up. I pray you find your place of contentment too.
Thank you Gae. I think you’re right; I need to see someone. Life is so tough, I think everyone needs to see someone ;)
I can relate to this so much. Especially the ‘im the highest when I’m at my lowest’
Food is like a soul soother for me. Happy or sad I eat.
I’m on a journey this year of working through why I emotionally eat but it’s not easy. Trying to make better eating choices.
Thank you for sharing this post. I now know that I am not alone. Xx
Thank you Sade!! You are most definitely not alone!! xx
Hey long time.. but since this is such a well known issue for me I thought I had to give my two cents. Thing is my issue is double fold, you see I live to eat , I love to cook! The best thing ever is cooking a fabulous meal and seeing family/friends sitting around the table with a glass of wine laughing, hmmming and aaahhing about the food.
BUT that’s also when I eat, when I’m happy! Screwed your would think right?
Na, not anymore. At 45 I’ve learned to say fuckit! We should not be determining ourselves by what we look like but by how we are. I am obese at best but it does not stop me from being a friend, wife, dog mother, sibling or child. We need to determine our value on what good we have and do. Once you see that you truly are stunning inside the outside follows naturally, whichever way it should😊You are beautiful no matter what size !
Thank you Yana!! Hopefully 40 is the year for me ;)
My dear ‘Charly’… You are not the only one with eating-our-feeling problem…but you are brave enough to talk about it. Along with a hardly existent thyroid on top of that… gaining weight seems to happen over night.
If only you could see yourself through the eyes of those blessed enough to know you…. you are one amazing and strong woman. You are everyone’s rock and angel. Unfortunately…. circumstances blinds us… and we struggle to see any good in ourselves.
Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it. I salute you! You can do anything you put your mind to!
Loads of love!
Love you!!!
I am proud of you charlentjie…..you are such a beautiful person inside and out…..this took guys to talk about…..you are an inspiration. After my diagnosis and losing all the weight, all I wanted and still want to do is gain weight…..but I know like you said, we all have our struggles and see weight differently. You are a superstar!!!!! Xxx
Our struggles can not be compared… YOU ARE THE BRAVEST PERSON I KNOW!! Love you!!
I hear u loud and clear. I have a 10kg range that i go up and down in. Am currently up but AM NOT going to let it rule me this time. Self care and all of that. You are beautiful and no-one really cares what u weigh. Your friends shouldn’t anyway and if they do they arent yr friends. Get up get dressed and knock them dead with you! Xxx
Thank you Shayne!! xxx
Oh I feel your pain. It’s a real struggle. Also lost a lot of weight in 2 instances both around 15 kg. Gained the weight back during pregnancy and then lost it again and then had severe back problems which made me depressed and upset so I just comfort ate. And now after back surgery can’t seem to shake it off. I loose a bit and then something bad happens in my life and gain it again or I feel better that I’m loosing then and then eat cus I feel more relaxed. It’s such a fight and back and forth. But knowing you are not alone makes you realise how normal it is and common and we can beat ourselves up for it because that just makes us want to eat as well!! Maybe it’s just not the right time yet for us to conquer the weight gain. Maybe when our head is healthier again we can start feeling better about ourselves and not need food to make us feel better.
Thank you Sherry! I’m so sorry that you struggle with this as well. Ugh, I hate this up and down!! And I do the same, as soon as I relax, I start to gain again as well. Not as bad as when I’m going through a rough patch, but still… I wish I could get it under control. I hope you can too!! Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with me xx
I wish I had the exact right words to say to you. But I know how difficult this whole thing is. I am also an emotional eater and I always wished that I was one of those people who didn’t eat at all when going through a rough patch but that is such a bad way to think of it. I hope that you find your happy, whatever it is. Don’t let your weight be the only thing that makes you happy because you really can find happiness at any number.
I am so sorry for everything you went through over the holidays. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you for the mention, I am so glad I have some sort if impact.
Xxx
Thank you Kerry!! I don’t think you realise yet what a huge impact you have! xxx