I suffer from self-neglect

I suffer from self-neglect. I have not been taking care of myself. The term self-neglect may sound a little extreme, but my lack of self-care over the past year (or three) has left me feeling like I’m stuck in a deep, dark hole. And it’s time to get out.

I suffer from self-neglect

‘I suffer from self-neglect’ is quite a bold statement to make, I know. I realise that extreme self-neglect is a  very complex behavioural condition (if you know anyone suffering from this, please get them help), but my lack self-care has gone past the point of merely letting myself go.

I’m sad

Every day. Almost every moment of every day. I can’t really pinpoint exactly what causes this feeling of overwhelming sadness. I think all the disappointments, let-downs and failures of the past couple of years are starting to take their toll. It overshadows all the good in my life. And I have so much good that I praise the Lord for everyday. I’ve decided to get professional help. I want to stop dwelling on the past and I want to feel positive about the future again. Positive about myself. It’s going to take a lot of work, and perhaps facing demons that I’m not quite ready for, but I’m going to do it. I’m excited.

I need to learn how to set boundaries. I need to learn how to say no.  

This is something I struggle with. It goes against my nature to not be available at everyone’s beck and call. I really need to learn how to say no. Not always; but enough to give myself a break. My soul is tired.

I’m not quite ready to share much more about my mental health right now, but I can tell you that it’s not just my mind and soul that’s been neglected…

I’ve ‘let go’ to the point of almost not caring.

That has to change. I have to change.

I am physically in the worst shape of my life. I have never before felt this weak, tired and old. I am also the biggest that I have ever been. This is not a weight loss post – you’ve probably seen my extreme ups and downs over the years. This is about my health. I need to stop eating my feelings. I need to stop eating to the point of feeling sick. I know how to lose weight. I know what my body likes and what it doesn’t. It’s the mind (and the soul) that’s the problem. I’ve decided to kick start (read kick my arse) by trying a 10 day detox. Today is day 1… wish me luck! I’ll report back after the 10 days.

I also need to start moving again. It’s sad to think that I could do a 10km fun run a few years ago and now I struggle with a flight of stairs. How did I get here? Why did I do this to myself?! I need to fix it. My life is literally at stake. We have a history of heart disease and diabetes in the family and I am not giving myself a fighting chance, am I?

A few months ago I did a free trial of a fitness app. Have you tried fitness apps? I exercise (when I do) at home. I hate the gym. I’ve tried many fitness apps, but most have been downloaded just to be deleted a few weeks later. I enjoyed Aaptiv though. I’ll tell you about this app in another post, but I really think it’s going to help me get moving again. Another reason I want to subscribe to Aaptiv is the meditation sessions. I am very new to meditation and the guided sessions during the trial was really awesome. I’d pay for this app even if it was just for meditation.

It’s not just my relationship with food and exercise that needs to change.

Small steps

I’ve even stopped doing the little things that can make a big difference to my health and and the way I feel about myself.

I’ve become quite ‘preachy’ when it comes to taking supplements after my bout with hair loss. Then why have I stopped taking them? I need to fix this.

If you’ve been here since the beginning, you know that Pretty Please Charlie started out as a beauty blog. I love beauty products and cosmetics. I love at home facials, doing my nails; even taking off my make-up after a long day is such a pleasure. It used to be at least. Little rituals that used to bring me such joy has turned into work. Five layers of nail polish to hide the chipped pedi is not on. Not anymore. I’m going to try harder.

I’m not even really sure what I’m trying to say with this post. Perhaps I’m putting it out there as a reminder to myself that I need to change. Perhaps you needed to hear that you are not alone. Please know that I’m here if you want to chat. Your are welcome to comment below or send me a mail.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

xoxo