Life is hard. We all suffer difficult and heart-wrenchingly painful times and trials in our lives and sometimes feel stuck in a deep, dark hole with no escape. That is a part of life. Life can suck.
The negativity surrounding us can suck the life out of you. Whether it’s a person, the news headlines or the Twitter shit storm of the day. The negative person in your life may be a friend, a family member or a co-worker. And sometimes that person is you. And by you, I also mean me.
Sometimes we need distance. Distance from negativity that may have a bigger impact on us than we even realise.
It is often difficult to get away from the bad news and constant complaining around us. I can’t imagine starting my day by reading a newspaper or watching the news. And Carte Blanche on a Sunday night? Hell no. I’m fully aware that I should know what’s going on in the world around me, but I can’t stand being bombarded with it all the time. And social media. It’s easy to get swooped up and join in. I swear there are people on Twitter and Facebook who only log in to pick fights. Why do you feel the need? Relax! Please. That’s why I prefer Instagram where I can just stare at pretty prentjies.
A beauty campaign is doing the rounds at the moment and I’ve read a few blog posts asking what you love about your age. I would like to say that I love that I’ve become a little wiser. I’m 37. One of the most important lessons that I have learnt (one that took me quite a while might I add), is that sometimes you need to take a step back from all the negative people and influences in your life, evaluate them and take action. Sometimes it means removing the negative people from your life all together. As a people-pleaser this used to be quite hard for me. Now, not so much. Draining friendships are not friendships at all. All the friends I have in my life, contribute to it in a positive way.
If you can’t remove the negativity, you have to learn how to protect yourself from it.
Set and enforce limits.
Negative people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are hard to deal with. They want people to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional drama.
You can avoid this drama by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if a negative person were chain-smoking cigarettes, would you sit beside them all day inhaling their second-hand smoke? No, you wouldn’t – you’d distance yourself. So go ahead and give yourself some breathing room when you must.
If distancing yourself is impossible in the near-term, another great way to set limits is to ask a negative person how they intend to fix the problem they’re complaining about. Oftentimes they will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a more harmonious direction, at least temporarily.
Respond mindfully – don’t just react.
A reaction is a hot, thoughtless, in-the-moment eruption of emotion that’s usually driven by your ego (as human beings, we’re more likely to react when we’re disconnected from our logical mind). It might last just a split second before your intuition kicks in and offers some perspective, or it might take over to the point that you act on it. When you feel angry or flustered after dealing with a negative person, that’s a sign you’ve reacted rather than responded mindfully. Responding mindfully will leave you feeling like you handled things with integrity and poise.
Bottom line: when you encounter someone with a negative attitude, don’t respond by throwing insults back at them. Keep your dignity and don’t lower yourself to their level. True strength is being bold enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.
Introduce lighter topics of discussion.
Some people’s negative attitudes are triggered by specific, seemingly harmless topics. For example, one of my friends turns into a very toxic self-victimizer whenever we talk about her job. No matter what I say, she’ll complain about everything related to her job, and when I try to interject with positive comments, she just rolls right over them with more negativity. Obviously this becomes quite a conversation dampener.
If you find yourself in a similar conversational situation, and the person you’re talking with is stuck on a topic that’s bringing you down, realize their negative emotions may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Your best bet is to introduce a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like funny memories, mutual friendships, personal success stories, and other kinds of happy news make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive about.
Focus on solutions, not problems.
Where and how you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you zero in on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you shift your focus toward actions that can improve your circumstances, you create a sense of self-efficacy that yields positive emotions and reduces stress.
The same exact principle applies when dealing with negative people – fixating on how stressful and difficult they are only intensifies your suffering by giving them power over you. Stop thinking about how troubling this person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling their behavior in a positive way. This makes you more effective by putting you in the driver’s seat, and it will greatly reduce the amount of stress you experience when you’re interacting with them.
Maintain a level of emotional detachment from other people’s opinions of you.
Maintaining a level of emotional detachment is vital for keeping stress at a distance. Not allowing negative people (or anyone for that matter) to put the weight of their inadequacies on your back is vital to your emotional health and happiness. It all comes down to how you value yourself, and thus believe in yourself.
People who manage their lives effectively are generally those who work internally – i.e. those who know that success and well-being comes from within (internal locus of control). Negative people generally work externally – i.e. blame others or outside events for everything that does or doesn’t happen (external locus of control).
When your sense of satisfaction and self-worth are derived from the opinions of others, you are no longer in control of your own happiness. Know this. When emotionally strong people feel good about something they’ve done, they don’t let anyone’s shallow opinions or spiteful remarks take that away from them.
Truth be told, you’re never as good as everyone says when you win, and you’re never as terrible as they tell you when you lose. The important thing is what you’ve learned, and what you’re doing with it.
Let go of the desire to change other people’s negative tendencies.
Some people you can help by setting a good example, others you can’t. Recognize the difference and it’ll help maintain your equilibrium. Don’t be taken in by the energy vampires, manipulators and emotional blackmailers by desperately trying to control what is out of your control – other people’s behavior.
With that said, if there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping changes over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change for some substantial reason, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows how you feel and why.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them. It might sound a bit harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often resist and remain the same… but when you don’t try to change them – when you support them and allow them the autonomy to be as they are – they gradually change in the most miraculous way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
Dedicate ample time every day to self-care.
You do not have to neglect yourself just because others do. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a negative person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a ‘focused, rational adult’ in the face of persistent negativity can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the negativity can consume you.
Negative people can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself:
- “Am I doing the right thing?”
- “Am I really so terrible that they speak to me like that?”
- “I can’t BELIEVE he did that!”
- “I’m so hurt!”
Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years. Sadly, sometimes this is the goal of a negative person – to drive you crazy and bring you down to their level of thinking, so they’re not wallowing alone. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of their negativity when you must.
We can’t all be shiny, happy people all the time, but at least we can try. I hope you have a beautifully positive day. And if you’re not feeling all ‘shiny and happy’, watch this… And be happy that I didn’t post a video of ‘Let it go’;)
